Self-Love

By definition, Self-Love is a regard for one’s own well-being and happiness (chiefly considered as a desirable rather than narcissistic characteristic).

I need more self-love because I have never had really good self-esteem. When I am down or feeling low (which happens a lot) I can bombard myself with deprecating thoughts and negative self-talk, I become self-conscious and feel like no one likes me. I start with hating how I look, how I sound, my hair, and it snow balls from there.

I had this realization when I was reading what I wrote LAST year in January. I wrote at the top of my planning page for the year, “In my life, everyday, I must take care of my home, my family, the kids school, my business.” Then I wrote out carefully in a four-quadrant page details of how to support my family, my business, my home and the kids in their school. On the next page, I meagerly wrote on my to do list, “start working out and eat right.” As though I didn’t deserve a section in my planning for ME. And, as though I’d never written THAT before!

When our cup isn’t full we can’t give to anyone else. I have also read, when we don’t love ourselves, we can’t love others whole-heartedly.

This relates to my business as well. I need to really start loving and appreciating the work I put into my business. Not only that, but really understanding and intentionally being happy with everything I do. Because I try my hardest, I do everything with a ton of love and I would never give a client something that I wouldn’t give my own family. I have to learn to be better at LOVING the art I produce. Not quick to point out what is wrong with it.

That said, I began this October planning ahead. I took care of getting the kids into school which required me sending my kindergartener on a bus everyday to school. That meant taking my three year old twin boys to preschool everyday because they need speech articulation help. They get on a bus every morning after school to come home. I was a DISASTER. Suddenly my babies were all gone everyday for 2-6 hours and I was alone feeling worse than ever.

So I decided then and there to start exercising. I felt like my daughter walking into her first day of kindergarten when I walked into that gym. Over weight and worried everyone would be staring at me as I perspire and get really red in the face (when I workout). I’ve been at home with my little guys for the past 5 years and this was new territory. But it wasn’t unfamiliar - I worked out in college and when I was an advertising professional. But I was already in the circle, in those networks. Staying at home raising my babies and starting a new photography business is lonely. I do everything on my own and branching out was so uncomfortable. Getting into new photography circles in social media and going to preschool and gymnastics, ballet and swim lessons was all new territory. I didn’t have my "tribe” anymore. I didn’t have those core people - the daily network of people and friends I would see at work everyday. I was lonely.

I also began to explore my faith and spirituality more, I read more including a daily devotional. I have been trying to live intentionally and make the most of all of the moments. To live less perfectly and to stop trying to do more than I can.

But most of all, I wanted all of this so I can be everything for my children. And especially so I can make sure I am definitely NOT everything I DON’T want to be. It starts within. I want to set the best example I possibly can and it starts with me. With self-love and self-care. I am the only one that can do this for me, and it has to happen. I have a husband, three babies, my mom and dad, countless friends and extended family, new friendships through photography peers and new clients along with new mommy friends and gym friends. This is the beginning of my tribe and I am 100% planning to nourish it and grow with every one of the important people in my life. It’s time to shed the self-doubt and mindfully bring intention and pride into every aspect of my life.

Here’s to a new year and a wonderful 2019. I am happy I made these changes beginning in October so I was already in full swing practicing new habits by the new year. I have a really long way to go. With my health and with my self-love. But life is a journey and I savor the daily. Now I want to make the daily more enjoyable so I can look back happy. Last year was a transition year with a lot of professional growth, personal turmoil and a change within myself to learn to believe and trust in ME. I set lofty goals and I reached each one. I need to take pride in each accomplishment and build on the momentum.

I hope we connect in this new year and I sincerely hope this resonates if you needed to read it too!

XO - Steph